Why Not Watching the Women's World Cup Doesn't Make You a Sexist Idiot

The Women’s World Cup kicks off in Germany tomorrow. Cue dozens of columnists, frightened to death of the Andy Gray treatment, insisting that really, women’s football is brilliant, much better than men’s - and the spoilt, careless, disgraceful men could learn much from our brave lionesses. Anyone who disagrees is a knuckle-dragging cave dweller who should be ostracised from society.

Luckily, I’m in no danger of being sacked by Rupert Murdoch, so I can reveal the Inconvenient Truth – women’s football isn’t very good. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. The quality is typically dire, the crowds embarrassing, and everything from the punditry to the handshakes deeply inferior to the male game.

I’m obviously not saying that the fairer sex shouldn’t play football (just want to make that clear) – merely that the guilt-tripping, patronising newspaper features which have surfaced over the past few days are unfair to both sexes. Men shouldn’t be criticised for not watching an inarguably lesser, slower version of what they’re used to, just as most wouldn’t go and watch an under 10s league, and professional female footballers don’t need their heads patted whilst being told that it’s nice that they’re trying so hard.

The oracle of women's football

The Ladies Day theme continues, sadly without exotic hats, with female pundits, commentators and writers roped in with a fringe male chaperone. At the last World Cup this was Gavin Peacock, before he found God and joined that most equal-rights of employers – the Church. It’s all a bit forced, and other than the excellent Gabby Logan, the contributors’ clear lack of experience grates. 

Tadcaster Albion's famous Kop end

I went to a Women’s Premier League game once, Liverpool against Leeds if you really want to know, played at the home of Tadcaster Albion. The girls enjoyed themselves and so did we and that’s the main thing (have a pat on the head), but the standard of play, especially the goalkeepers, was eye-opening. Most shots hit hard enough to cross the line (and that wasn’t a given) went in, with goal kicks struggling to reach the centre circle. This isn’t mockery or sexism – it’s a statement of fact. And the main reason why the sport remains so unpopular in Britain. A special mention to England international Sue Smith here, who was an articulate pleasure to speak to after the game – the spoilt, disgraceful men could learn a thing or two from this brave lioness.

Sue Smith

Anyway, I probably will watch the England games if I’m free, just as I will watch any international sport, and so will a slowly increasing fanbase. The semi-professional Women’s Super League, introduced this year and played over the summer, is a fresh attempt to bring the sport into the mainstream, and the Germans have sold an impressive 80% of World Cup tickets – the final held at the 51,500 seat home of Eintracht Frankfurt. Everyone hopes for its success, and with England fifth favourites at 20/1, progression in the tournament could give the game a new lease of life in the UK.

Apparently tactics and strategies play a more important role in the female game, and this is all very good, but only the most cagouley of anoraks will tune into a game just to see Hope Powell’s flowing 4-3-3 formation. The technique and finesse is there, in small doses, but the lack of pace, power and yes, aggression, simply makes the women’s game dull to watch, once the novelty wears off. The quality of the football, even at this very highest of levels, will be blatantly substandard to what we saw in South Africa last year. And this, rather than any remote semblance of sexism, is why many football fans won’t bother watching it.  

Joe Hart and 21 Others (Part Three)

You can find Part One here, and Part Two here...

Now, after scouring many different levels of football from Shawbury United to Barcelona, just two players remain. In true football programme spirit, the first of those has ‘Played for both clubs!’: Ramon Calliste, who rather hilariously was named the 87^th best young footballer in the world by Spanish magazine Don Balon in 2001 – a list which also put Djibril Cissé top and Jermaine Pennant 5^th. Kaká is 95^th.  Calliste was discarded by United and then Liverpool and Scunthorpe, and was at Cambridge City when Paul Simpson offered him a trial in January 2009. This didn’t lead anywhere, and as Calliste afterwards tried his luck at Lincoln, Town signed goal-machine and fan-favourite Jamie Cureton on loan. Or something like that. Calliste has since disappeared from the football world.

All better than Kaká

Perhaps the most unusual career of any player featuring in this match is that of Ben Collett. A promising midfielder who scored in the aforementioned FA Youth Cup final in 2003, Collett won the Jimmy Murphy Young Player of the Year trophy that season, following in the footsteps of Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Phil Neville, and of course John Curtis and Ronnie Wallwork. Recent winners include Danny Welbeck, Giuseppe Rossi and Federico Macheda. 

Just a week after the cup final, United’s reserves played Middlesbrough’s, when a crippling tackle from Boro midfielder Gary Smith destroyed Collett’s leg. Collett never properly recovered, playing a few non-descript reserve matches such as this one against Shrewsbury and having brief spells in New Zealand and the Dutch second division, and ultimately the tackle ended his career. A three month court battle finished in August 2008 with a £4.5m payout following testimonies from Gary Neville, Brian McClair, Howard Wilkinson and Sir Alex Ferguson, who described Collett as showing “fantastic focus, a great attitude to work hard and they are qualities to give any player an outstanding chance in the game."

Collett has been lucky to be rewarded with such a handsome payout, but the court accounted for a relatively small £13,000 weekly wage until the age of 35. If he had progressed to the England side and the Man United first team, he would surely be earning more than sixty or seventy thousand per week now, still only 26. It is of course difficult to predict his career – going back to the previous winners of the Jimmy Murphy award he could have been a Paul Scholes or a Ronnie Wallwork. Either way, it’s always a shame when a young talent gets so unfairly extinguished, and no one will ever know what might have been. Following the hearing, with the judge praising his intelligence and commitment, Collett went on to study English at the University of Leeds, where he has probably had to spend three years thinking up excuses to avoid buying every round of drinks.

To the game itself!

With Ross Stephens taking Ryan Lowe’s place on the left wing, town lined up in a 3-5-2 formation. Joe Hart, at 17 years old, had a couple of dodgy early moments in the Town goal and a sliced clearance led to a corner from which Gerard Piqué beat Jamie Tolley to nod in for an early lead. After some Town pressure, Tolley equalised on 23 minutes with a fine low drive before putting in Ross Stephens, who spurned the chance to put Town ahead.

On the half hour mark, Dave Edwards suffered a knock and was replaced by Marco Adaggio. The United contingent panicked as they tried to create a plan to stop this skilled maestro, probably using tactics the first team had been working on to stop Thierry Henry.  It paid off as five minutes later Colin Heath nodded home a David Poole cross from close range.

Shortly after the break Jake Sedgemore committed the cardinal lower-league sin of thinking rather than hoofing as he tried to play one of those fancy Dan offside traps, which obviously failed and Heath ran through to score his second underneath Hart. There were no mistakes on the hour mark though as Ramon Calliste scored with a brilliant solo effort to put United 4-1 up with the game effectively over. A fifth soon followed as Heath turned creator, sliding in Mads Timm to put the icing on the cake.

With the pressure off for both teams, Town finally got into the game with Tolley and Adaggio, the United defence probably realising that he’s not Ronaldinho, doing well to create space but missing chances. Tolley was involved in Town’s consolation however as his thunderous strike came back off the crossbar for Robert Eggington to tap in.

A crowd of 822 watched United win 5-2, a huge total for a reserve fixture. I’ve not checked, but I would be surprised if there has ever been a higher attendance for a reserve game at Town, in recent times at least – although thousands did go to the Buck’s Head a few years ago to watch Steven Gerrard come back from injury against Wolves Reserves.

In the return fixture at Hyde United’s ground in January 2005, Town lost 3-0 to a United side including Giuseppe Rossi, who scored, and future Town midfielder Steven Hogg. David Fox and another from Ramon Calliste completed the scoring. United rather predictably won the Pontins League that season from Carlisle and Blackpool, with Town languishing in 10^th, taking 21 points from 22 games in the 12 team league.

	pld	w	d	l	f	a	pts
1. Manchester United	22	14	5	3	49	28	47
2. Carlisle United	22	13	3	6	43	36	42
3. Blackpool	22	12	4	6	34	21	40
4. Oldham Athletic	22	12	3	7	48	34	39
5. Bury	22	10	7	5	30	23	37
6. Macclesfield Town	22	8	7	7	31	27	31
7. Burnley	22	5	11	6	24	21	26
8. Chester City	22	7	3	12	25	37	24
9. Stockport County	22	5	7	10	28	37	22
10. Shrewsbury Town	22	5	6	11	25	31	21
11. Rochdale	22	4	6	12	23	38	18
12. Wrexham	22	6	0	16	27	54	18

Reserve football has many cons and few pros, but the sheer variation in quality, reputation and experience of players even on the same team is unmatched anywhere else in the sport. Only fans of obscure football trivia could argue against Graham Turner’s withdrawal of a proper reserve side for Shrewsbury this season, in favour of ad-hoc games against local opposition with similar requirements. The benefits of a guaranteed standard of playing surface, reduced travel and no obligation to field a side each week outweigh the chance of the supposed competitive football which in reality, reserve fixtures don’t really provide.

So, from the players taking to the pitch that night at Gay Meadow, some are now managers, a couple grace the Premier League, some play at the very foot of the English pyramid, one plays in front of 90,000 adoring Catalans at the Nou Camp, one has an English degree and a presumably very comfortable student lifestyle, some play abroad, four for their country, and a couple have sunk without trace. Clubs ranging from Deeping Rangers to Barcelona are represented, with payment from a fiver for expenses to £100,000 per week. But thanks to the quirky and underappreciated nature of second-string football, they all shared the same turf that one night in 2004.

Joe Hart and 21 Others (Part Two)

For Part One please click here

There were three other continental players lining up for United – Mads Timm, Markus Neumayr and the one and only Floribert N’Galula. Whilst no constituent of this exotic triumvirate made the grade at Old Trafford, all forged professional careers of some descripton: German midfielder Neumayr currently graces the Swiss Premier League with FC Thun and Mads Timm retired in 2009 after an injury struck few seasons in his Danish homeland, nevertheless being called up for Denmark (without playing) after impressive performances for Odense BK (coincidentally the home of another United reject, Eric Djemba-Djemba). Belgian midfielder N’Galula plays in the Finnish Premier League for Turun Palloseura, home of Football Manager hero Mika Ääritalo, after an ill-fated month-long spell for DC United in the MLS proved fruitless.

Our tour of the more obscure leagues in Europe continues with another trip to Denmark, where, as mentioned at the start, two of our own ply their footballing trade. Their travel itinerary shown above, left back Adam Eckersley and centre half Mark Howard are big successes for AGF Aarhus, with Mark being voted player of the season in 2011 as AGF were crowned champions of the Danish First Division. Whilst neither of the Salford lads made an impression at United, credit to them for gambling on success abroad when countless others, including several in this match, have instead been happy to settle for a lower level English club.

Those middling players of varying quality who, whilst not qualifying as a success on the Hart/Piqué scale, have forged accomplished and, to the rest of us at least, lucrative careers in the lower leagues include former England U21 and Cardiff City ‘keeper Tom Heaton and Ipswich winger Lee Martin, both of whom are established Championship players. Aged 25 and 24 respectively, both players still have much chance to play regularly in the Premier League – Heaton especially, accounting for the dearth of English goalkeepers at present. 

Moving down the leagues, Ritchie Jones is currently available on a free after a successful spell in midfield for Oldham, as is winger David Poole following Stockport’s relegation. Both however have played more than 100 games in the Football League, which is more that can be said of Colin Heath, a striker who spent six years as a non-playing professional at Old Trafford followed by mediocre performances for Chesterfield, Macclesfield, and finally Farsley Celtic before an early retirement. Still, this practically makes him Pelé when compared to sub ‘keeper Lee Crockett, currently in nets for Deeping Rangers (whose ground is shown above, next to Old Trafford for comparison), in the Hereward Teamwear United Counties League - five divisions below the Football League.

Around this period, United ran two reserve teams – the one featuring here in the Pontins Holiday League, and another in the FA Premier Reserve League North. The Pontins team was dropped not long after this season, and as a result many of these players sadly found their development stunted by a dramatic decrease of playing time.

Of the Town regulars, Ryan Lowe spent last season scoring 27 goals to fire Bury to League One, being trusted by Alan Knill and Richie Barker in a way he sadly never really experienced at Shrewsbury. However, this is fairly irrelevant here since Lowe didn’t actually feature in this reserve fixture – a late, post-teamsheet-printing change of heart brought in Ross Stephens, a left sided player who had some involvement in the first team before naturally moving to the Welsh Premier League where he is something of a club whore – at the time of writing, Prestatyn Town are his sixth club in the division.

Utility man Jake Sedgemore plays at Nantwich Town under the co-stewardship of two ex-Town teammates, Kevin Street and Darren Tinson (above), whilst Dave Ridler is player manager at Prescot Cables playing a division below. Jamie Tolley, who like reality television seems to have been around forever, is incredibly still just 28 and playing for Wrexham in the Conference, whilst Dave Walton, a true Town hero after his first successful spell in the mid 1990s, was forced to retire at the end of 2005 as a knee injury ruined his Indian summer. 

Former League Cup finalist Martin O’Connor, playing in the twilight of his career, had a final few games for Kidderminster in 2005 before assisting Chris Hutchings in the destruction of Walsall. In 2000 the balance of internationals in this match may have been swung to Town’s favour as the Cayman Islands sneakily tried to exploit their status as a British Overseas Territory by simply calling up British players such as O’Connor, who, along with others of emphatically non-Cayman heritage, played a friendly against DC United before FIFA stepped in and made possibly their only logical decision of the decade in disallowing it.

As it stands, the international count is critically level – along with Piqué and Hart each side provides a home-nations regular, both of whom seem stuck in that purgatory gap between the Premier League and the Championship. 

Paul McShane starred in the Championship for West Brom in 2006/07, winning his first Irish caps that season, before earning a move to the big time with Sunderland paying £1.5m for the defender as he became another disciple of Roy Keane’s beard. McShane didn’t set the world alight at the Stadium of Light though as the following summer he moved again to newly-promoted Hull City, initially on loan, and took part in Phil Brown’s famous sit-down teamtalk at Eastlands – a move which quite impressively ruined Hull’s entire season after what had been a good start at that point. Tellingly, McShane returned to Sunderland in January and Hull escaped relegation, before signing permanently that summer. After which Hull were promptly relegated. 

Out of all of United’s famous FA Youth Cup victories, their 2003 triumph over Middlesbrough was probably the most underwhelming. No member of that team remains at Old Trafford, with Kieran Richardson and Chris Eagles having the most success for the first team, which tells you all you need to know (although Phil Bardsley and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake have proved moderately successful elsewhere). McShane, Timm and Collett started that final, with Heaton, Howard, Calliste and Poole on the bench – and ex-Shrewsbury loanee Lee Lawrence at left-back. Sadly for many of the players in United’s side that day, it represented the only highlight of their entire football career – although on the losing side, Ross Turnbull, David Wheater, Andrew Taylor, Chris Brunt and James Morrison all started.

Perhaps the most pleasantly surprising success from a Shrewsbury perspective has been Dave Edwards. Whilst Joe Hart was always clearly talented, it wouldn’t be impolite to state that many Town fans considered Dave Edwards, especially alongside his partner in haircuts Jamie Tolley, a bit of a luxury. Still, after Mark Atkins handed him his debut against Scunthorpe in the last game before the Conference Season, he gradually improved, and his controversial dropping by Gary Peters before the playoff final is still debated to this day. 

A tribunal-set fee of £250,000 led to a move to the struggling Luton Town, where Edwards hung around just long enough to impress in a 1-1 FA Cup draw with Liverpool and earn himself a £675,000 transfer to Wolves, where he remains. Edwards played a key part in Wolves’ promotion to the Premier League in 2008/09, but has since struggled with injuries and has not featured regularly in the top flight. A highlight this season has been scoring the winner past his old friend Joe Hart in a 2-1 win over City.

You can find Part One here. The final part, including Ramon Calliste, Ben Collett and an actual match report, is here.

Joe Hart and 21 Others (Part One)

...Or more accurately: Joe Hart, Gerard Piqué and 29 others. After reading Colin Shindler's fantastic book covering the fortunes of George Best and the 21 others who took the field in a City/United Youth Cup game in 1964, I dug out my team sheet from the day Shrewsbury Town Reserves took on Manchester United's second string in the Pontins Reserve League on 15th September 2004. 

On a warm autumnal evening, in front of a rusty Gay Meadow Centre Stand that was riotous for a reserve fixture, ran out 31 youths, journeymen, injured first-teamers and footballballing nomads - a group which in years to come would provide four internationals (including a World Cup winner), several players of varying success through the Football League, a player involved in a multi-million pound court case over the brutally premature ending of his career, and of course a significant number who have drifted helplessly through the nether regions of non-league. There are even two Englishmen who have gone against all known wisdom and taken the gamble of plying their trade abroad... albeit at the same club, presumably to have someone familiar to cuddle up to at night.

The teamsheet that day reads as follows:

Shrewsbury Town: Joe Hart, Henry Goh, Jake Sedgemore, David Ridler, David Walton, Martin O'Connor, Ryan Lowe [Ross Stephens], Jamie Tolley, Robert Eggington, David Edwards, Pedro Matias.
Subs: Damien Stevens, Gavin Cadwallader, Gary Price, Marco Adaggio, Liam Murray.

Manchester United: Tom Heaton, David Poole, Adam Eckersley, Paul McShane, Gerard Pique, Floribert N’Galula, Ramon Calliste, Richard Jones, Colin Heath, Mads Timm, Ben Collett.
Subs: Lee Martin, Lee Crockett, Markus Neumayr, Mark Howard.

From Town’s starting XI, all but Hart, Goh, Eggington, and the trialist Matías were regular first-teamers in the 2004-05 season, but as Hart has become England’s unquestioned number one and one of the first names on a Man City team sheet which looks destined for years of oil-fuelled success, Goh and Eggington have sadly fallen from the radar. Right-back Goh was signed by Aberystwyth Town in 2008 in the League of Shrewsbury Town Rejects (known as the Welsh Premier League for sponsorship reasons), but tellingly my main recollection of Henry is seeing him frequent the same under-age drinking establishments as me. Headline writers nationwide have mourned the loss of such a pun-able name from their arsenal. 

As for the striker Eggington... well... an internet search tells me he was a regular in the reserves and youth teams through that season but after that, even Google is stumped. We can only assume that he is hiding in a cave in the Stretton hills somewhere, taking turns with Richey Edwards and Lord Lucan to go for discreet night-time rides on Shergar.

Still, I can proudly boast that the name Robert Eggington does at least stir my memory, and it has to be said that with my obsession for all things Shrewsbury Town around that time this shouldn’t be surprising. As well as attending every home game and nearly all away, I took full advantage of my season ticket to watch many reserve games, and in fact anything at all that happened to be taking place at the Meadow. The pinnacle of this involved the privilege of watching the famous grudge match between Isle of Man Ladies and Shropshire Ladies, but that’s another story.

I explain this not to boast, as if there is anything to boast about spending literally all my disposable income and free time watching gutter-quality football, but to demonstrate that my failure to recall a single memory, not even a tiny small print in the programme or a mutinous mutter in the Wakeman End about any of Damien Stevens, Liam Murray or Gary Price does not bode well for their particular football careers. However, it turns out that the internet is actually a slightly more effective search tool than my memory, and I can report that Stevens is now Shawbury United’s number one, Price is a rock in Hanwood United’s defence, and Liam Murray is a regular for AFC Telford, the traditional feeder club for the League of Shrewsbury Town Rejects.

As for for Town’s remaining benched starlets: Marco Adaggio (above), who as we all used to sing was better than Baggio, suffered from that long held disease of having a fancy foreign sounding name – we all thought he was a continental wonderkid who had slipped through the net at Barcelona and miraculously ended up at Gay Meadow. Everybody was sure he would dazzle Division Three for a season or so before being sold to AC Milan for £10m. As it happened, he made 10 fruitless appearances, all off the bench, before slinking down the leagues where more fans could get excited about his name before being disappointed. Marco now plays for Stafford Rangers, where he seems quite popular, but as Roberto Baggio was playing in the World Cup by his age (23), this does seem a bit of a letdown.  

 

If the Tolleys are the Kennedys of the Shropshire football scene, the Cadwalladers are definitely the Milibands and the last of our substitutes, Gavin Cadwallader, actually made two underwhelming first team league appearances for Town. More significant however is that at the age of 25, whilst still playing in Wales (obviously), Gavin has become a youth coach for Town, a very sensible and commendable move which will surely prolong his career in the game much further than many of his more successful playing peers. Mark Cadwallader, incidentally, most recently played with the mighty Neil Sorvil for Northwich Victoria. Lucky man.

The trialist on show that night is where the continental connection begins. Pedro Matías actually began his career at Real Madrid, playing three seasons for their B team in the mid 1990s before becoming a journeyman first in the Segunda, and then the lower English leagues, notably becoming a cult hero at Walsall. Pedro must have been slightly peeved that one of the handful of opportunities he had to prove himself at Town before professional retirement pitted him directly against a certain fellow countryman...

Gerard Piqué had just signed for Man United from Barcelona using the same legal loophole that Arsenal used for Cesc Fabregas, amongst many others. As a promising defender he made 23 appearances over four years for United, generally being too good to send out on loan (except to Real Zaragoza in 2006) but too raw to displace Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand. 

An amicable return home followed in 2008 for the now-ridiculously low fee of £5m, and three seasons later Piqué has formed a partnership with Carles Puyol for both club and country, creating the bedrock of arguably the greatest club football team of all time. Piqué has added a World Cup winners’ medal and Shakira to the ten competitions he has won playing for his boyhood heroes, earning in a week what most people earn in three or four years. It’s alright for some. But on one night in 2004, he shared Gay Meadow turf with the mysterious lesser-spotted Robert Eggington.

Part Two, which includes the fortunes of Dave Edwards, Paul McShane and many others across Europe can be found here

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Arctic Monkeys - Suck It and See

So, I’ve had two or three weeks to suck it, and I can see that “Suck It and See” represents another cornerstone, if you will, in the development of Arctic Monkeys. From the pop perfection of their debut, the darker rawness of Favourite Worst Nightmare, the more abstract Humbug, comes another new side – one of proper love songs, hazier lyrics and music, as well as nods to all of their previous directions.

She’s Thunderstorms

A brilliant introduction to the album, with producer James Ford getting the first 30 seconds or so absolutely spot on with a warm, enticing sound, reminiscent of a battered old vinyl. The busy guitars in the chorus contrast with the smooth, curved vocal which flows over them before a rich guitar solo takes precedence. She’s Thunderstorms sets the contemplative, contrasting, and mellow tone which follows in most of the subsequent tracks. 9/10

Best bit: 1:13 – “She’s thunderstorms/ Lying on her front/ Up against the wall” – the first chorus kicks in heavily following an addictive introduction.

Black Treacle

A solid if unspectacular album track, Black Treacle easily saunters through the verses, with a catchy chorus followed by a flirtatious guitar hook which threatens, but never quite manages, to develop into a proper solo. Its laid-back, relaxed nature is unlike anything Arctic Monkeys have released before. 7.5/10

Best bit: 2:40 – “I feel like the Sundance Kid behind a synthesiser” – not Alex Turner’s first reference to an old film or television programme.

Brick By Brick

The first track released, unannounced, as soon as I heard the crunching opening riff I thought that however good this track is it’s going to be ten times better live. I was right. Undoubtedly the heaviest song on the album, and lyrically the simplest (of this and most other records), it is unashamed in being a fun, bouncy song which is brilliant to get stuck in to at a gig even if it is likely to be sneered at by music theorists. 8/10

Best bit: 2:14 - After a mid-song pause which Alex Turner has almost copyrighted, the final chorus kicks in for one more round of “Brick By Brick, ahhh ah ah ah ahhh”.

The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala

Soon to be the second single with very appropriate timing for this ultimate summer song. The vocal happily drifts through hazy guitars, with a simple chorus of “shalalala” following a pattern of “yeahs” and “ahs” on the tracks either side of this. The song is dragged out of its reverie in its bridge, reaching an anthemic climax which will be repeated in the campsites of many festivals this summer. 9/10

Best bit: 2:16 – “Her steady hands may well have done the devil’s pedicure” – the track reaches its peak after a climbing build-up.

Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair

The first single, but very distant from the poppy buzz of Brianstorm or Crying Lightning. Obscure lyrically, simply listing a range of pastimes preferable to sitting down into an empty chair, but nevertheless compelling with suggestions such as “go into business with a grizzly bear” and “do the Macarena in the devil’s lair”. It seems to be kept purposely slow, especially live, and could easily be described as Classic Rock, but still has an irresistible round of “yeah yeah yeahs” in the chorus. Chiming guitars move this track further into stadium territory. 8/10

Best bit: 1:59 - “Do the Macarena in the devil’s lair”, before exploding into the final chorus.

Library Pictures

The set opener on their recent North American tour, Library Pictures sounds musically like Arctic Monkeys did in 2005 but with nonsensical lyrics. Quick-paced, catchy and aggressive, I can’t help but feel it seems slightly out of place here for precisely the opposite reason that Riot Van did on the debut. 8/10

Best bit: 1:29 - The countdown before the solo kicks in is a fantastic way to get people going at the start of a gig.

All My Own Stunts

Disappointing. With Josh Homme on backing vocals, much was expected from this track but it has failed to deliver. A clumsy opening riff kicks in and it and lumbers along through the verses, and whilst the chorus picks up a little bit, it’s nowhere near Arctic Monkeys standard. A line in the chorus referring to dancing shoes inspires a reflection on how far the band have come since the first album, but in this particular case, it just leaves me yearning for past hooks. Others may disagree, but anyone who says this track lives up to their expectations is lying. Sorry. 4/10

Best bit: 3:47 – “I’m from High Green!” - It’s always nice to hear a band remembering their roots.

Reckless Serenade

All is forgiven though as the second this bass line begins, you know instantly you’re in for three minutes of pop perfection. Streamed online before the album release, I freely admit that it took a while for this track to grow on me, but now I’m hooked. Layers are added on as the track progresses before an addictive solo meanders through the end of the song. This track beautifully lives up to its name from the awkward, lovestruck protagonist. 9.5/10

Best bit: 1:29 – “Call up to listen to the voice of reason, and got his answering machine/I left my message but did he fuck get back to me” – A lyric which would no other vocalist could get away with, pulled off exquisitely.

Piledriver Waltz

Another song heard before the album’s release, albeit in a different form on the Submarine soundtrack, some reviewers have criticised this re-recording for not being as good as the original. This is probably true, but in my opinion it is splitting hairs as this is a wonderful, beautiful song and possibly the most emotional Arctic Monkeys song released. One of the few songs on this record which hits you instantly, the advice “If you’re gonna try and walk on water make sure you wear your comfortable shoes” is yet another line which only Alex Turner could pull off. Still, not as good as the more stripped back Submarine version. 9.5/10

Best bit: 0:50 - When the first chorus kicks in with the time-change - “You look like you’ve been for breakfast at the heartbreak hotel/ And sat in the back booth by the pamphlets and the literature on how to lose”.

Love Is a Laserquest

A critic referred to the second half of Radiohead’s The King of Limbs as “love songs for the damned”. In that vein, the second half of Suck It and See is love songs for you, me, and everyone else. They have built on their more one-dimensional slower efforts from the past, such as Only Ones Who Know, and Love Is a Laserquest demonstrates this progress perfectly. Emotive lyrics we can all relate to fit perfectly with Turner’s quirky unique voice, sung hauntingly over soft guitars and a quiet, affecting rhythm section. 8/10

Best bit: 0:58 – “And do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re there/ Or have someone’s goodnight kisses got that covered/ Well I’m not being honest, I’ll pretend that you were just some lover” – Delivered brilliantly.

Suck It and See

I have a bit of a personal agenda here, since when I saw Arctic Monkeys in Montreal this song was played for the first time, so I wanted it to be brilliant for future “I was there” conversations. Luckily for me, this is perhaps the highpoint of the entire album. Beautiful verses and an instantly addictive chorus build to a “You have got that face that just says ‘baby, I was made to break your heart’”. Some reviewers have claimed to have had a lump in their throat at this point, and whilst I won’t go quite that far it truly does pull on your emotions in a way that not many bands will ever achieve. 9.5/10

Best bit: 0:17 and 1:17 - Difficult to pick, but the lines “You’re rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock/ And those other girls are just post-mix lemonade” and “That’s not a skirt girl that’s a sawn-off shotgun/ And I can only hope you’ve got it aimed at me” are simple genius.

That’s Where You’re Wrong

More The Jeweller’s Hands than A Certain Romance or 505, the closing track grows and grows subtly, both throughout the song and on each listen. Its drifting melodies and esoteric, detached lyrics finish the album perfectly, and from the breakdown in the middle to the closing refrain of “that’s where you’re wrong”, this new, mellow side of Arctic Monkeys is displayed definitively. 9/10

Best bit: 2:08 – The song strips down before building up to a brilliant final chorus and what feels like the summary of the entire album.

Overall

It’s naturally a great sign when a band can evolve so successfully, and whilst this album still retains many hallmarks of previous albums, it presents a more mature sound. The production is spot on, the album flows through the whole tracklisting and the if minimalist cover art is good enough for The Beatles, it’s good enough for everyone else too. 9/10.